Journey of a Milk Maid — Homegrown + Lovely

So, after all the aches and literal pains of the first few weeks of breastfeeding Blake, I felt like we had it down. Yes, she had issues with the dairy I ate, so I cut that from my diet for months 2-7 of her first year. We supplemented with formula occasionally, mainly out of convenience for some night feedings and if we were out and about. I pumped diligently twice a day at work. People started to ask me how long I planned to continue, and honestly, at the time, I hadn't really thought about it. I didn't really have an end date in my mind, and things were working just fine. Especially at night I could easily feed her, whether she was nursing for food or nursing for comfort. When I found out I was pregnant again, Blake was 10.5 months old. I spoke with my midwives, asking if it was ok to continue breastfeeding while pregnant, and they said yes! They even mentioned tandem nursing, which I didn't dismiss because, who knows?! It wasn't long after I took a positive test, that my milk decreased dramatically. I'm talking 50% decrease, within a couple weeks. Simultaneously, Blake started to wean herself. Could've been because I had less milk, it was starting to taste different because I was pregnant, or maybe she was just busy and didn't have the patience for it. Either way, she was done by the time she was a year old, if not a little before.

Fast forward to Sloane. I did not experience any nursing aches and pains after she was born. Yes I dealt with engorgement a few times while my milk was regulating, but nothing over the top. My body had done this just months earlier, so I was grateful for the muscle memory of that. Knowing I wasn't going to be pregnant again during her first year (or likely any year thereafter), I put even less thought into when it would end. I know a few friends who have let it linger for quite some time with their 'baby.' And because I don't see any issue with that, I just sort of assumed Sloane would breastfeed for a long time. But, much to my dismay, it would appear she has other plans. It doesn't help that she's popped out two teeth a month for the last four months. This poor girl has been teething constantly. She also LOVES to eat. She's adventurous and there isn't much she doesn't like. So since my mom feeds her bottles during the day while I'm at work, she is well versed in the fast, easy flow of a bottle. About a week ago, she started biting me. Now Blake tried that once or twice, and after I yelped in pain, she got totally spooked and never did it again. Sloane on the other hand started biting, and hasn't really stopped. I've gotten her to nurse two or three times in the last seven days, and it's usually after she's almost conked out from a bottle right before bed. And I can't tell if my milk has decreased because I'm relying solely on pumping now, or if it was already decreasing, she noticed before I did, and got tired of not getting enough. But she was right about 10.5 months old when all this started, and now I can't help but wonder if it's something my body does at this stage postpartum. Because while I thought it was related to pregnancy last time, maybe it isn't. Either way, a little part of my heart is breaking inside. Yes, I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding for over three years. Yes, pumping is a drag. Yes, nursing bras aren't pretty. AT ALL. But it means my baby is one step closer to not being my baby anymore. And I'm just not ready for that. I thought we'd have more time, and honestly now I'm secretly hoping this is just a phase because of her latest tooth, and we will go back to the old way in a couple days. I try every once in a while, but have to face the fact that this might be the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding journey. I'm so grateful to have been able to feed my babies for the majority of their first year of life. It's a bond I'll always treasure.