Just Say Yes

For anyone who hasn't had children, they may see a 12 week maternity leave as some sort of vacation. Sadly there are many in this country who don't even get that much time, but I am fortunate to have gotten 12 weeks with both girls, and that is another topic for another day. Back to the point. Twelve weeks away from your place of work may seem like a nice time. A 'vacation' is pushing it, but I'm guessing it sounds like a pretty good time. When I was first home with Blake, it took many weeks until I felt settled. I think part of the reason was because she cried a lot the first few months. Sleep was VERY hard to come by, but I could rest during her naps if I needed to. The days sometimes seemed very long and lonely, even though I wasn't ever alone, and I would count down the hours until Matt got home.

I was looking forward to returning to work in some ways, because it would be a chance to get out of the house, put on my big girl clothes and heels again, and have adult conversations. At that point I don't think I was quite used to being a parent either. The role was still new and I was still figuring out how to be a mother and lacked confidence in my ability to some degree. 

Fast forward to today.

I have just over two weeks left of my maternity leave with Sloane. I won't lie. We had a rocky start after Matt went back to work. My parents had planned a month long trip so I knew once he went back, my mom would also be gone and it would really just be me and the girls. By the end of the second week of being home alone with them, I was convinced I was in WAY over my head. WAY over. That Friday, I was trying to get Blake some lunch and both girls were screaming. I felt like they had decided earlier that week to team up on me, and I almost had a breaking point that afternoon. There had been too many times where I couldn't even hear myself think over the cries, and I'm honestly not sure how I got through. I was seriously considering a call to my midwives to discuss PPD after that day. But it was the weekend, and we had plans to head out of town for the first time with two. We had a good time with family that weekend, and by the time Monday rolled around I had basically forgotten how bad I felt that Friday.

I'm not sure what happened, but when that next week started, some of the despair I had been feeling had lifted. Maybe I was starting to accept the fact that I now have two children, or maybe we started getting accustomed to our life has a family of four. Maybe we started to find some structure to our days, or because I made a point to try and get out of the house at least a few times a week, even if just for a walk around the neighborhood. Whatever was happening, things started getting better. I started chatting with my neighbor more, and we started to plan walks with the kids and dogs on nice days. Soon my mom was going to return and I knew having her back would also lift everyone up. Without realizing it at first, I stopped counting down the hours and minutes until Matt would come home. It was as if we found our groove and most days even started feeling fun! And then I realized I had already blown through over half of my maternity leave. Just like that, I was closer to returning to work than not, and the anxiousness started to creep in. 

I read a blog post a couple years ago. I even shared it on my Facebook page because it impacted me so much. Basically, a mom decides that for one day, she's going to say yes to her kids. Obviously it's within reason, they set some ground rules and they can't do unsafe things, but she wants to just say yes to things, when normally it may be easier or more convenient to say no or postpone something. She learns a lot about herself and her kids from the experiment, which ended up being a really positive experience (you can read it here). I recently started thinking about this lately, because as much as we've found our groove, I've still noticed the word NO pops up in my vocabulary quite often these days. I understand that Blake is young, and learning and testing her limits. But I also know that she loves to learn and try new things. That little girl thrives on excitement and experience. I don't want to deprive her (or myself) by saying "No," or "We'll do that later." So while we may not have one specific day a year to "say yes," my goal for the future is to say yes more. I really want to make the best of the next two weeks that I have home with my girls, and for this concept to stick around even beyond maternity leave. I want to help Blake continue to blossom and grow. It may be as simple as examining rocks in the front yard. Or playing with water in the sink. Maybe a fort in the living room, or feeding her piggy bank. I don't want her to see me as the mom who always says no, but as the mom who fosters learning and growth. I know it won't always be feasible, but when it is, I want to be ready to say yes.