Three Years Later?
It has been years since I’ve officially written here. Oh, I’ve started posts on my phone over time, but none have made it to the real world. Which is fine, part of this journey for me is just being able to process my thoughts in writing. But I also love to share what’s going on in my world, in the chance it resonates with someone else. I know how much I can be drawn in reading about someone else’s journey, and if I have a chance to do that here, well that’s an added bonus.
I feel like I’ve gone through so many transformations in the last couple years. Some good, some painful. But I’m grateful I’m still standing. I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll just start with the reason I’m “back” here in the blogosphere. The short story is that I’m working with an ADHD coach, and my first goal with her is to blog more. Specifically to share a new blog post every six weeks. Every two months felt too long, but once a month seemed like it would always be a scramble. So here I am, with a goal to post every six weeks.
But let’s go back a little. ADHD, you might ask? Yes, and honestly it shocked me at first too. In the early spring of 2022 I started noticing funny memes and posts on Instagram. For a while I’d just toss on a laugh-crying emoji and move along. It took a few months, but after a while I starting noticing a pattern. All of those “funny” posts were actually resonating with me. A lot. I was very ignorant and honestly related ADHD to a hyper, elementary-aged boy who couldn’t sit still in class. But I thought it was interesting how much I could relate to some of the ADHD sentiments. So I started doing some reading. I looked at the questionnaires for diagnosing. A lot of dots started connecting and for a while I felt like my mind was blown. Could I really have ADHD? Once the question was in my mind, I felt like I needed an answer. While it took me a long time to actually get this done, I called insurance, found some local psychiatrists, and got connected with the most lovely ARNP at the end of 2022. After our first session, she definitely suspected I had ADHD, but she said I absolutely have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD). For as anxious of a person I’ve been my entire life, I was shocked I hadn’t ever “researched” anxiety before. But once I read about GAD, I checked almost every box.
It was quite the first session, because for years, I just thought everyone lived like I did. Ruminating over all the worries, day in and day out. It was exhausting. And once she identified that there was an actual cause behind the madness, I felt so validated. And honestly, I felt hope. In that moment I finally realized that the overactive worrying brain I had lived with for years, might take a back seat. She made the comment to me, “It seems like you’re white-knuckling your way through life.” And I could not relate more and was so relieved that I didn’t have to continue living like that. So first things first, I got started on a very low dose SSRI. Because there wasn’t an urgent need to address the ADHD, we took our time getting the SSRI dosage worked out. She suggested, and I wholeheartedly agreed, that we needed to get the anxiety under control first.
It can take a while for some of those meds to kick in and I was no exception. However, in just a couple weeks I was noticing a difference. Within a few more weeks of a dosage change, my worrying mind had calmed WAY down. I was still worrying about things like getting my kids to school on time and what to cook for dinner, but the fearful worrying that had gripped my mind had all but disappeared. The difference from before meds to after was night and day. When I think back to the days before, I am actually saddened by how much time and energy the worry and anxiety took from me. Things I should have just been enjoying, I was worrying about. And not just little worries, but ruminating thoughts that constantly ran through my brain. It is hard to describe the feeling to someone who doesn’t experience anxiety. Hard to describe how much space it all takes up. But if you struggle with anxiety to the point that it interferes with your daily life and/or sleep, this is a gentle nudge from me. Talk to your doctor about options. And even better, make an appointment with a psychiatrist. They are trained specifically to identify mental illnesses, whereas your primary doctor may not have the education to make a proper diagnosis or be able to fine tune medication, should you choose that route. My psychiatrist was able to suggest other treatment options as well (non-medicinal), but for the anxiety I wanted to treat with meds .
With the ADHD diagnosis, I’ve started the coaching, and also testing out low doses of a stimulant on occasion. That’s for another post, and while I know medicine could help me focus, I am hoping that coaching will help me change how I structure my days so they can be efficient and I can accomplish everything I want to.
I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of this topic, but it’s hard to know where to start and how much to share. My hope is that if you’re reading this and struggling, you’ll connect with your doctor. The answer may or may not be medicine, but starting that conversation could be the first step to a new you. One that’s free from the weight of anxiety. One that isn’t held to rigid controls to feel “safe” in your own mind. Or maybe it’s something else entirely, but starting the conversation with a doctor or psychiatrist is a great first step to finding your path to healing.
One final note. In preparing this post I went back and read my last several posts. Because it’s been so sparse there isn’t much over the last few years, but as I read through them I noticed a theme. I mentioned my worsening anxiety and how I was often very distracted and couldn’t complete tasks. There were more hidden eggs, but basically those two topics came up quite a bit. It is really enlightening to look back and see where I was, before there was a word for it. Before there was a diagnosis (or two in my case).
I know as time goes on, these topics of mental health aren’t as taboo as they once were, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that I feel (mostly) confident sharing this experience with others in person, but also here online. If you’re willing, I’d love to hear about your journey. I’ve also included some resources if you’re curious like I was. Obviously I’m not a doctor or offering medical advice, but here are some tools I found helpful.
For the official ADHD self-reporting scale:
https://add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf
Information on the DSM-5 for ADHD:
https://add.org/adhd-dsm-5-criteria/
Finding a therapist or psychiatrist:
Information about Generalized Anxiety Disorder:
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad