Three Years Later?

It has been years since I’ve officially written here. Oh, I’ve started posts on my phone over time, but none have made it to the real world. Which is fine, part of this journey for me is just being able to process my thoughts in writing. But I also love to share what’s going on in my world, in the chance it resonates with someone else. I know how much I can be drawn in reading about someone else’s journey, and if I have a chance to do that here, well that’s an added bonus. 

I feel like I’ve gone through so many transformations in the last couple years. Some good, some painful. But I’m grateful I’m still standing. I don’t even know where to begin, so I guess I’ll just start with the reason I’m “back” here in the blogosphere. The short story is that I’m working with an ADHD coach, and my first goal with her is to blog more. Specifically to share a new blog post every six weeks. Every two months felt too long, but once a month seemed like it would always be a scramble. So here I am, with a goal to post every six weeks. 

But let’s go back a little. ADHD, you might ask? Yes, and honestly it shocked me at first too. In the early spring of 2022 I started noticing funny memes and posts on Instagram. For a while I’d just toss on a laugh-crying emoji and move along. It took a few months, but after a while I starting noticing a pattern. All of those “funny” posts were actually resonating with me. A lot. I was very ignorant and honestly related ADHD to a hyper, elementary-aged boy who couldn’t sit still in class. But I thought it was interesting how much I could relate to some of the ADHD sentiments. So I started doing some reading. I looked at the questionnaires for diagnosing. A lot of dots started connecting and for a while I felt like my mind was blown. Could I really have ADHD? Once the question was in my mind, I felt like I needed an answer. While it took me a long time to actually get this done, I called insurance, found some local psychiatrists, and got connected with the most lovely ARNP at the end of 2022. After our first session, she definitely suspected I had ADHD, but she said I absolutely have Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).  For as anxious of a person I’ve been my entire life, I was shocked I hadn’t ever “researched” anxiety before. But once I read about GAD, I checked almost every box. 

It was quite the first session, because for years, I just thought everyone lived like I did. Ruminating over all the worries, day in and day out. It was exhausting. And once she identified that there was an actual cause behind the madness, I felt so validated. And honestly, I felt hope. In that moment I finally realized that the overactive worrying brain I had lived with for years, might take a back seat. She made the comment to me, “It seems like you’re white-knuckling your way through life.” And I could not relate more and was so relieved that I didn’t have to continue living like that. So first things first, I got started on a very low dose SSRI. Because there wasn’t an urgent need to address the ADHD, we took our time getting the SSRI dosage worked out. She suggested, and I wholeheartedly agreed, that we needed to get the anxiety under control first. 

It can take a while for some of those meds to kick in and I was no exception. However, in just a couple weeks I was noticing a difference. Within a few more weeks of a dosage change, my worrying mind had calmed WAY down. I was still worrying about things like getting my kids to school on time and what to cook for dinner, but the fearful worrying that had gripped my mind had all but disappeared. The difference from before meds to after was night and day. When I think back to the days before, I am actually saddened by how much time and energy the worry and anxiety took from me. Things I should have just been enjoying, I was worrying about. And not just little worries, but ruminating thoughts that constantly ran through my brain. It is hard to describe the feeling to someone who doesn’t experience anxiety. Hard to describe how much space it all takes up. But if you struggle with anxiety to the point that it interferes with your daily life and/or sleep, this is a gentle nudge from me. Talk to your doctor about options. And even better, make an appointment with a psychiatrist. They are trained specifically to identify mental illnesses, whereas your primary doctor may not have the education to make a proper diagnosis or be able to fine tune medication, should you choose that route. My psychiatrist was able to suggest other treatment options as well (non-medicinal), but for the anxiety I wanted to treat with meds . 

With the ADHD diagnosis, I’ve started the coaching, and also testing out low doses of a stimulant on occasion. That’s for another post, and while I know medicine could help me focus, I am hoping that coaching will help me change how I structure my days so they can be efficient and I can accomplish everything I want to. 

I feel like I’ve barely scratched the surface of this topic, but it’s hard to know where to start and how much to share. My hope is that if you’re reading this and struggling, you’ll connect with your doctor. The answer may or may not be medicine, but starting that conversation could be the first step to a new you. One that’s free from the weight of anxiety. One that isn’t held to rigid controls to feel “safe” in your own mind. Or maybe it’s something else entirely, but starting the conversation with a doctor or psychiatrist is a great first step to finding your path to healing.

One final note. In preparing this post I went back and read my last several posts. Because it’s been so sparse there isn’t much over the last few years, but as I read through them I noticed a theme. I mentioned my worsening anxiety and how I was often very distracted and couldn’t complete tasks. There were more hidden eggs, but basically those two topics came up quite a bit. It is really enlightening to look back and see where I was, before there was a word for it. Before there was a diagnosis (or two in my case). 

I know as time goes on, these topics of mental health aren’t as taboo as they once were, and I’m grateful for that. I’m grateful that I feel (mostly) confident sharing this experience with others in person, but also here online. If you’re willing, I’d love to hear about your journey. I’ve also included some resources if you’re curious like I was. Obviously I’m not a doctor or offering medical advice, but here are some tools I found helpful.

For the official ADHD self-reporting scale:

https://add.org/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/adhd-questionnaire-ASRS111.pdf

Information on the DSM-5 for ADHD:

https://add.org/adhd-dsm-5-criteria/

Finding a therapist or psychiatrist:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/washington?gclid=CjwKCAjw9-6oBhBaEiwAHv1QvBnZN9xX8lwoRggJ12ds7H97qdHcWiEgqha21us4i1TfFEL3yn_vOxoCdP8QAvD_BwE

Information about Generalized Anxiety Disorder:

 https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad

Over a Year Later

I can’t believe it has been a year since I’ve posted here. Well, actually, I can, because when I wrote that last post in January of 2020, I had NO idea what was coming. None of us did… So given that my track record shows me posting about 4-5 times a year, I’m not surprised that in 2020, I was focused on other things, trying like so many of us to keep my head above water and spirits high.

I guess I’ll get right into it then!

I don't set hard goals when the new year rolls around. In prior years, I've always done a no-buy January but this year, I just didn't have the heart. For one, getting little packages in the mail has really helped during all this covid crap. I haven't gone overboard, but it has helped boost my mood. Another reason I didn't want to do a no-buy January, is because I know some businesses are really hurting. I tried to buy small when I could for Christmas, and even still, I'm trying to be more thoughtful about where I'm spending my money while people and businesses are hurting. I'm not getting it right every time. But I'm trying.

What I do like to do each year, is make loose goals. For example, in one of the last years I wanted to read five books. I think I read one, but it was one more than I would've read without that goal.

This year, I have the following loose goals.
Walk more
Write more
Sleep more

That's it! And I know that a little framework can help with achieving goals, so I made a rough outline for my days to allow for more of those three things. It means actively walking outside on the days it isn't raining, or hitting the treadmill on days it is. I also want to carve out time before bed to write. I told myself it could be anything... Laptop, phone, paper and pencil, photo caption, journal, blog post. As long as I'm taking time on a regular basis to write, I'll be happy with that goal. And lastly, but definitely not least, sleep more. This is the area that I haven't really been able to "adult" well in. I've always been a night owl. I loved staying up late before kids but I love it even more now, because I get those few minutes (or hours) of quiet. But I usually pay for it in the night or morning, because well, kids. So, I've also scheduled in a bedtime. I'm not hitting it every night. But every night that I do, or even get closer, is a win in my book. Around Christmas and shortly after, I was staying up until midnight several nights a week. While I thoroughly enjoy that, it does not fit my current lifestyle. So I've set a bedtime, and I've hit it once or twice, but I keep getting closer to that goal as the days go on. All of this is a work in process and while it does help better me, it is also fun. I've loved getting outside on purpose to walk. I've loved getting on the treadmill and watching part of a show or listening to a podcast. I love writing and always feel happy doing it. And sleep. Well, I do love to sleep, but if I had it my way, I'd sleep, uninterrupted, from midnight to 8am... but, we can't have it all. So I'll settle for an attempted 10:30pm bedtime, and hopefully not more than one child interruption in the night. A girl can dream, right?

So tell me, do you have 2021 goals? Are they more detailed or specific? Do you have loose goals? Or maybe no goals at all? I'd love to hear.

Maybe one of these days I’ll regularly get to bed at a decent hour

A New Decade. A Fresh Start.

I can’t believe 2019 is done. The first part of the year seemed to go by so slowly, and then once August hit, it was a whirlwind. 2019 was an odd one. There were a lot of really great things, but also a lot of strange and unexpected things. That being said, I am ready for 2020. A new year. A whole new decade at that. I am welcoming the new. I am welcoming a fresh start. 

I’ve been reflecting the last few weeks about what my 2019 goals were. The main goal, as many of you may know, was to reduce waste. And I will say, that even though my blogging about it wasn’t consistent, I feel pretty good about my efforts. Even Matt made a comment mid-year that he didn’t feel like we were throwing away as much as in the past. I didn’t ever remember to bring my own doggy bag containers, but I did use my cloth grocery bags and mesh produce bags approximately 96.5% of the time. I also stopped buying plastic loofahs and just use a plain wash cloth now. I buy bulk hand and dish soap when I can, and while it isn’t quite as fun as the smaller bottles with the seasonal scents (I’m looking at you Mrs. Meyers), I know it is a little less plastic using the bigger bottles than many smaller ones. I’ve almost mastered the Diva Cup, and have stuck with the Imperfect Produce subscription for most weeks. I’ve tested bamboo toothbrushes and use cloth napkins about half the time. Overall, I know it is a work in progress, and I truly believe that each little step counts. And the great thing is that I can continue to build on the progress we’ve made thus far. Preserving our world is something that is very important to me, especially since having little ones, and it’s exciting to continue finding ways to make an impact. 

I had other smaller goals too. Sleep more. Strengthen my core. Read five books. 

I thought about sleeping more, but rarely actually did it (I sure wish the thoughts counted for something). Towards the end of the year I took my core exercises way more seriously. And I finished one book. It was Michelle Obama’s book “Becoming” and it was incredible. I love the way she narrates, I could almost hear her speaking the words. 

I don’t feel let down that I didn’t really hit the goals. I feel inspired to try again this year. I still want to read five books this year, and just having the goal to read has been fun. I read SO much when I was younger. I miss getting immersed in a book, and now that I am older I enjoy self-help books in addition to fiction. It’s fun to get educated, but also get lost in a story. I fell off the bandwagon for core exercises over the holidays, but still want to continue those, in addition to walking 20 minutes a day. Even if I get half of that, it will be better than what I was doing before, and I am all about progress. And lastly, the sleeping thing. I think that may be my vice for the rest of my life, but I love to stay awake late. I’ve always loved it, and especially now that I have young kids, the quiet after everyone is in bed is just so inviting. Sometimes I will putter around the house. Maybe I’ll read. Sometimes I’ll scroll social media. But it is the hardest thing for me to do the adult thing, get in bed and turn out the light before 10:45pm. But, the more I read and understand, sleep is critical for your well-being. So, I will keep at it and hopefully over time I’ll have more early nights than not. 

So like I mentioned, last year my main focus was reducing waste. This year my main goal is listening. And yes, it is as simple as it sounds. I want to listen more. Maybe it’s listening to my body. Maybe it’s listening to my gut and intuition. But honestly, it is mostly the literal act of listening. I want to hear what people are saying. My kids, family, friends, I do it with good intentions, but often when in a conversation, when someone tells a story about something that relates to something I too experienced, I want to jump right in and tell my story, And I do it because I want to show that I can relate, but I feel like it may come across wrong. That and sometimes I honestly just cut people off, and I don’t mean to do it. So, 2020 is the year to listen more. And to listen carefully and actually hear. 

What are your goals for 2020? Do you even make annual goals? Maybe you choose a focus word for the year? Whatever your stance, I’d love to hear about it.

Photo credit: Blake

A Little More on Mindfulness

I saw a post on Instagram the other day from a fellow mother and it was so inspiring. It made me stop and think, and has continued to be in the back of my mind. My kids don't care if I'm wearing makeup or have my hair done before a walk or a trip to the park. The only thing they care about is having their mother present with them. They don't care if the laundry is done or if there are fingerprints on the back door. They are more concerned with whether or not I'm showing up to meet them each day. And obviously I'm with them every day. But I'm talking about my intentions during our time together. 

And then this post got me thinking. I have a tendency to let my to-do list sit at the forefront of my mind. When I'm home, it's hard for me to just sit back and play with my kids, because I'm thinking about the dishes, or the laundry, or how I need to sweep the stairs again. So I find that I give them a couple minutes here and a couple minutes there, but then I'm off to tackle the next task that needs to be done. But that's the thing. I understand that I need to get these tasks done around the house, but I don't want to do it at the expense of my girls and my time with them. I need to make a conscious effort to carve out time for it all. I often find myself moving from one thing to the next very quickly, like a bee flitting from one flower to the next. But in reality, I'd love to dedicate a bigger block of time for my kids before feeling the pressure to start getting things done. Because I know those household chores are important too, but there's got to be a balance.

I'm just thinking out loud here, but I'm going to try something like time blocking. I think part of my issue is that I don't ever have a good plan, so get distracted while working on one thing, only to not finish that before moving on to the next project. If I go into each day with one or two tasks to complete, and an actual timeframe to compete them in, it will help me stay focused. I won't worry about extra things, and if I plan a general timeframe, I can plan for the other time to be spent solely with my kids. This may seem like a novel concept, but I truly get so distracted throughout my day (thanks social media/technology and instant gratification for that), that I end up doing a lot of half tasks. 

So I'm going to try a new thing. A little note in my phone or calendar. I'll write it each night before bed, and set a time to get it done. I have always struggled with anxiety, but it's gotten worse the last few years. Since I like lists, my doctor suggested I make a list each day with only three things to get done. If I know it's going to be a busy day, list things I have to do anyways. That way, I can still check off my list and feel like I completed something, but it could be something as simple as make dinner, take out the trash, or put the kids to bed. I may keep my list at two items for now and see how it works for a bit.

I think overall I will be more productive with my time. But I will also be more focused and intentional with each thing I'm working on. And I have this funny feeling, that once I dedicate true quality time with my kids, they won't notice when I have to jump up and do a load of laundry or sweep the dang stairs. One more baby step into being more mindful so that I can really focus my time and energy, instead of just being swayed by each little thing that comes my way. 

A Waste Update

I wanted to do a little update on my goal for 2019, which is to reduce waste. Earlier this year, I did a decent amount of research into ways to reduce waste and be a more conscious consumer. I think the two biggest impacts for me have been using a HydroFlask for my coffee every day and not over-buying food. With the exception of a few days when I forgot to grab my cup, I’ve gotten coffee in my reusable coffee cup, which has already saved about 60 disposable cups. I’m stoked, especially because I used to get straws with my iced drinks and those are like the devil for the oceans. The other area that I’ve seen improvement in is regarding leftover produce. Because of my love of grocery shopping (and having extra of everything), I used to come home with so much produce. I’d have these unrealistic goals of using it all, but each week I’d be tossing handfuls of food into the compost bin. And that left me feeling pretty awful every time... So, in part of my plan to reduce waste this year, I’ve become a lot more aware and realistic in terms of what produce I need to buy. We make a grocery list most weeks with the meals we plan to make. And then I buy the food needed for those specific meals. There have been several weeks now that by Saturday morning, my produce drawers and fruit bowl are empty, or dang close. And that was always so rare for me. Seeing the difference has really helped inspire me to continue making these conscious efforts. It's amazing how motivated I can be once I see my choices are actually making a difference.

Another area where I've made an improvement, is shopping most weeks with Imperfect Produce. Food waste is a real problem, and I love that this company takes food that has been deemed unfit for grocery stores and gives it a second chance. Yes sometimes I get small avocados. Sometimes I get a sweet potato as big as my head. But it's all usable food that just doesn't fit the grocery store standards. And some weeks they simply have a surplus of certain items, so it doesn't even have any "imperfections." In the last several weeks they've added pantry items. Sometimes packaging gets updated so they sell the "old" designs. Sometimes an item is short-coded, so it's available. Sometimes they just want to offer a staple they think shoppers would enjoy. I've found some of my favorite products, but have also had a chance to try some new stuff! If you're interested, click this referral link to save $10: http://imprfct.us/lZcYf

I also recently purchased cloth napkins. I only got one set to start with, and it has been a little challenging trying to remember to grab them instead of a paper towels. But I love them and ended up getting another set to keep in the daily rotation. Those paper towels add up, and I can use these linen napkins over and over again, for a long time.

Similarly, I've significantly reduced the number of ziplock bags I use. I have the reusable sandwich bags that I use for snacks, and glass containers for storing food. If we were planning a day out and I needed to pack ice to keep our lunch cold, I used to use a plastic ziplock bag. But this year I've been putting the ice in my little zipper bags and it's working great. If I want to get really crazy I can use the leftover/melted ice to water house plants. But my general consumption of those bags has gone way down! I used to buy one to two boxes a week in the past. Now I buy about one box a month.

Over the last year I've really been careful and thoughtful with the clothes I purchase. I used to buy clothes all the time! I think some of it was habit, and some was for fun. But last April I made somewhat of a capsule wardrobe, and since then, I've been working with what I have instead of getting new items all the time. The fashion industry is a huge contributor to pollution, next to oil industries, and now people are buying more clothes, but wearing them for less time. It's going to be a new area for me, but I want to look into buying used when I can. Maybe clothes, maybe household items, maybe kid toys. There are so many great resources to find quality used items, and it reduces the need for companies to pump out more and more new product. So while I've reduced my purchasing overall compared to prior years, I also want to make smarter purchases when the time comes. I have to give a shout out to my husband. He's building a shed in the backyard, and he picked up surplus windows from Habitat for Humanity, and also plans to buy a few used items for the interior. I think his incentive is to keep costs down, but buying used is still buying used!

So there you have it. We are almost halfway through the year, and these are some of my bigger note-worthy items. I am glad I still have time left, because I want to make more of an effort. If you've been on this journey too, I'd love to hear ways you've reduced waste this year! 

What is Mindfulness?

What does mindfulness mean to you?

Several weeks ago, I took a poll and the topic that got the most responses (and positive at that), was mindfulness. When I first started thinking about this, I assumed being mindful was just being aware of your current state of being. And while it is that to some degree... it’s also so much more. By definition, mindfulness can be several things.

According to Merriam-Webster it is:

1.) the quality or state of being mindful

2.) the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis

also : such a state of awareness

Psychology Today breaks it down a little further:

1.) Mindfulness is letting go of taking things for granted.

2.) Mindfulness means to return to the present moment.

3.) Mindfulness is the self-regulation of attention with an attitude of curiosity, openness, and acceptance.

So while it includes being aware of the current moment, it also asks us to be open, non-judgmental, and a key takeaway for me, is the ability to maintain the awareness or to return to the present moment. It is so easy for me to be doing something with intention, just to be completely derailed in the blink of an eye. So maybe I set out to be mindful, but it lasts two minutes (or less) because I get distracted and move past my mindfulness and onto the next thing. Or worse, maybe I’m trying to multi-task while being mindful.... which I know is COMPLETELY contradictory. So while I’ve been mulling over all of this, I think a major part that I need to focus on in my journey to being more mindful is this:

Single tasking. 

Does that even make sense to you? I stumbled a bit when I saw the title “Single Task More” on a podcast I follow (Minimalist Moms Podcast). 

Wait, what? Single task? As in, only do one thing at a time? And try to do it more often? No way. We are a people who survive off multitasking. Some may even feel that they thrive off of multitasking. But after listening to the short, five-minute-mantra they shared, I was really intrigued, and even a little disheartened. 

In an age of go go go, constant connectivity with technology, and just being “busy,” I reflected a little on my life, and without much effort, realized I multitask. A lot. For example, while I was listening to that short podcast, I was also trying to look up something online, and about half way through, I realized I wasn’t listening very well to the podcast, and I also wasn’t retaining much of what I was reading online. So, I closed my browser, and set my phone down. I wanted to really hear what the host was saying about single tasking, and the (usually negative) impacts of multitasking. I returned to the present moment that I had chosen for myself, which was listening to the podcast, and self-regulated my attention to that experience. 

It isn’t easy to do. I can see how it will take practice. And discipline. And repetition. Lots and lots of repetition. I think the challenging thing with mindfulness, is that you can get sidetracked so easily, and it is hard to even realize you got sidetracked in the first place. So doing things with the intention of single tasking, should, in theory, help to bolster mindfulness. Which is what I’m going to focus on. Even a somewhat silly example, is watching a movie. Usually Matt and I will sit down and watch a movie on either Friday or Saturday night after the kids go to bed. I used to be on my phone for most of these movies. I was sort of paying attention, but not very closely, and also was just mindlessly scrolling. At the end of the two-ish hours, I probably couldn’t tell you what really happened in the movie, or what I was seeing/reading on my phone. So lately, I’ve been putting my phone aside, and just sitting to watch a movie. It’s so simple but also so glorious, because my mind can focus on what I’ve chosen to do. It isn’t being pulled in multiple directions all at the same time. 

And one more side note for today. 

I recently started doing short meditations. I’ve been struggling with somewhat overwhelming anxiety at times, and hope this will help center me. One of the meditations I was listening to talked about how, when you are present in the moment, you aren’t putting your mind in with the worries of the past or the future. Because, if we are being real, most of the worries we have aren’t originating from our current state of being. They usually stem from something that happened in the past that we continue to rehash, or something that may be on the horizon and we worry about how it will shake out. Therefore, being mindful of our experiences in a moment-to-moment basis can really help bring clarity and focus to our thoughts and mind. It is so easy to get distracted and swayed by things that happened (or may happen) outside the current moment, and then we spend time and energy worrying about those things that are not in the present. 

So, I’m going to continue doing these short meditations. I think the repetition and practice of bringing my mind back to the present moment will be beneficial long term. I’m also going to be aware of how much I’m trying to do all at once, and really focus on single tasking.  

So I’m curious, how do you practice mindfulness? 

A Guide to Reducing Waste

I’ve spent the last few weeks working on a list of ways to reduce waste. The motivation started when I made my 2019 goal, which was to reduce waste. Then I started wondering if others are concerned about the future of our world given the drastic changes that are happening. It occurred to me that I should share the things I found, even if it only helps one or two other people.

This is by no means an exhaustive list. I’m sure there are hundreds of other things we can do (and please share, if you have something that isn’t listed here, I am all ears). But, it is a start. And the more you think about these lifestyle changes, the more you begin to examine all areas of your life. And just because you’ve done something a certain way for years, doesn’t mean that is still the best way to do it. Information is always evolving and it is our job to stay open and aware of things that will help us make a positive impact.

Here is a list of ways to reduce waste and become more aware of the types of choices you can make in the way you live your life.

Use your own containers to shop the bulk sections. If you’re using glass, check with your local stores to see if they can get a code for your personal containers so it doesn’t calculate the extra weight of your jar. You can also use mesh bags in the bulk section instead of plastic bags. If you’re making a special dish that requires just a small amount of certain foods, see if the salad bar has it, so you’re buying only what you need as opposed to a whole jar that may not get used up.

Meal plan, and try to use everything you purchase for the week. Maybe you buy ground beef and onions for spaghetti but don’t need it all. Make tacos or nachos the next night to use up the rest of the meat and onion instead of letting it go to waste! 

Buy bamboo toothbrushes (pull out the bristles and the nail that holds them in, and you can compost the handle). They make them for adults, and kids too!

Buy milk in glass containers. Yes they will charge for the deposit, but as long as you return it, you get that credit back. Sometimes this milk may cost a little more, but in the long run the price is small when you think about all the milk cartons you AREN’T using.

Reusable bags to replace Ziploc bags. Here are a few suggestions: (re)zip and Planet Wise, but there are many! I’ve also started using glass containers with lids to store just about everything I put in my fridge.

Ladies, invest in a Diva Cup (or similar). Yes there’s a learning curve, but you’ll save money AND reduce your waste using one each month when your lovely friend Flo comes to visit. 

Purchase products that were recycled or re-purposed. I found these awesome Re-Play dishes that are made from recycled milk jugs. Everlane now makes a line of products from plastic. You heard that right. Plastic. One fleece is made from 35 recycled plastic bottles. This is HUGE!! It’s the ReNew line. Eventually they want to only use recycled plastics for their polyester items and not use “new” plastic. 

Buy, and actually use, (I know that’s the hardest part) reusable grocery bags. I had them for years and it took me a long time, but I finally trained myself to grab them, and now I take them all the time unless I stop somewhere on my way home. You can even get little mesh bags for your produce so you don’t have to use the plastic bags. Cashiers always comment on my produce bags when I go through, and they are often sold in the produce department! Here is one example, but just do a search of mesh produce bags and you’ll find tons of options!

Consider a program like the Imperfect Produce subscription to help reduce food waste. That is becoming a major issue and this is a pretty easy way to make an impact. I haven’t tried anything else to compare, but Imperfect Produce lets you choose organic produce and/or regular produce. The items vary some each week, and so far I’ve been really impressed. It is also super easy to skip a week if you need to, and you can cancel at any time. Want to save $10 on your first order? Here’s a code: http://imprfct.us/lAxA1

Try a bamboo product instead of normal paper products like toilet paper and paper towels, even if you do it once every 2-3 purchases. Bamboo is very sustainable and eco-friendly. It grows really fast and often without the use of pesticides.  

Use matches instead of the plastic lighters.

Use cloth napkins.

Get a glass container for soap (regular or foaming). You can find bulk refill soap, which means less plastic per container when you are buying one to last through several refills.

Use stainless steel straws instead of plastic.

Consider a company for personal care products that sends refills instead of new containers: Plaine (shampoo and conditioner) and Myro (deodorant).

Use antique stores or goodwill to decorate your home. Many items may already come just how you need them, or you can re-purpose them! 

Use raw wrapping paper for gifts. Wrapping paper without the shiny foil can be recycled, and the only thing you need is some twine and a nice embellishment from nature, like a flower, twig, or herb. 

Try a product like Dyper (a bamboo diaper that breaks down in 75 days versus 450 years), or cloth diapers, which is a great alternative to plastic diapers.

Compostable personal care items like loofahs, brushes, and hand mitts. Check out Bestowed Essentials .  

Cancel unnecessary mail or switch to paperless billing: (https://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/11/how-to-stop-junk-mail_n_834088.html)

 Buy a reusable coffee mug and water bottle so you can eliminate single use cups. Seriously, this is so easy and you will prevent HUNDREDS of disposable cups from reaching landfills. We have the kid Hydroflask cups, and take them everywhere. This limits how many times our kids get cups with plastic lids/straws when we are out and about. And how many of you get coffee outside your home? I’ve switched over to using my own cups when I get coffee and I know my choice is reducing the number of cups that get tossed each day. It may be small, but it is less than when I wasn’t bringing my own cup.

One of my favorite ideas that I heard recently, is to bring your own container for leftovers when eating out, or for pickups when ordering out. It may seem strange at first, but yet again, another disposable, one-time use container will stay out of the landfills.

Consider consuming less in general. When you do have to buy something new, consider quality over quantity and choose items that will last. Did something break? Look into fixing it first, versus just buying something new right away. The tightening string on one of my mesh produce bags came loose, and the bag no longer tightened up. I was about to just toss it, but then realized if I took a few minutes, I could thread the string back through and fix it. So you know what? I got a needle and threaded it back through.

Join a group like Buy Nothing for things you no longer need, so someone else can use them versus just tossing something in the trash. 

Consider a reusable coffee filter.

Skip the sponge and use a kitchen washcloth to clean dishes. You can wash those over and over again, whereas a sponge will just get tossed at the end of its useful life.

Use wash clothes or old shirts when cleaning instead of paper towels. 

Look into a recycling program for printer ink cartridges.

Wash clothes less often when possible. Seems a bit weird, but over time it will use less laundry soap and water. I’ve really been trying to monitor this with my kids’ clothes. They do several outfit changes a day, and I used to just pick it all up at the end of the night and toss it in the dirty clothes. But now, if it isn’t dirty, it is going back in their drawers. Only items that are actually dirty, or clothes they wore out (because I am a germophobe), get added to the dirty clothes.

Buy coffee in bulk and keep reusing the brown bag or bring your own!

And really, the old saying still stands true today. Reduce, reuse, and recycle.

Reduce: Really consider if you need the thing you’re going to purchase. If you do; think about the best way to get it. Secondhand? In as little packaging as possible?

Reuse: This one will be tough for me. Over the last several years I’ve gotten so quick to toss something out if it was broken, had a hole, or was just “old.” Things can be repaired. Clothes can be sewn. Just because I’ve had something a long time doesn’t make it bad. I know there’s a line, but I want to be proud of how long I can keep something, as opposed to just replacing whenever I want to. Plus it saves money. 

At a last resort, recycle. We really can’t be sure where our recycling will end up. Yes some may get re-purposed. But some may end up in the landfill anyway. The US used to send many of our recyclables to China, but in January 2018, China tightened its requirements for what they will accept and many recycling facilities in the Northwest are feeling the backlog. Now some recycling just ends up in the landfills anyways. This was a very informative article, if you are interested in more details: https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.nytimes.com/2018/05/29/climate/recycling-landfills-plastic-papers.amp.html

There are many steps we can take to reduce our waste impact. These are just a few. If I could make a suggestion, it would be to challenge yourself to one new change each month. Pick something that you think will have a high success rate, and incorporate it in your life. Once you’ve mastered that and made new habits, pick another change to incorporate.

And I would LOVE to hear about your journey! If you find success in reducing your waste, use #homegrownreducingwaste to tag your posts!! I’m really excited to be a part of a community of folks who care about our planet, and the livelihood of all who live here.

January: A Month to Use It Up

I’ve been on this journey before. I think this is my third January doing a personal spending freeze. Last year I made it a little harder by including lunches and coffee in the no-buy list. This year I’m going to do lunches again but won’t restrict my coffee buying. This is partially because I now have a Hydroflask tumbler to keep at work for when I buy (#reducewaste), and partially because I haven’t been making cold brew in the winter and don’t like to run my espresso machine early in the morning while my kids are still sleeping.

That being said, I love this month and this challenge for a few reasons. Several of which I’ve named here before. I love taking a break after the holiday spending. Even though we don’t go crazy over-spending for Christmas, it’s still a lot of buying packed into 6ish weeks (maybe you’re better at planning and spread yours out over more months, but I usually start the majority of my shopping around Thanksgiving). I also love a challenge. I like to see how good I can do with the limits I’ve set. The first week is always tough and some of that is due to habit. I’ve really paired down my shopping in general, but I still do it, so it’s normal to click an email with a sale link. Or see something on Instagram that I’d like to try out.

 Which leads me to my next reason. I have to use up what I’ve got. As I’ve mentioned before on this blog, I can be somewhat of a hoarder. I battle those internal struggles often. And part of it stems from the fact that I never want to run out of anything. Like anything. Ever.

Lotion? I’ve got 3 different bottles, along with some homemade body butters. Shampoo and conditioner? I’ve got like 5 of each. Same goes for deodorant. Sweaters? I gave a backup black cardigan in my closet, complete with tags, JUST in case something happens to the one I currently wear and I need it stat. I also have a backup pair of some of my old favorite pants. Compete with the tags still on. In theory, it should be great. But what if my style changes before I have to use these things? What if my body products go bad because I can’t use them faster than I’m buying? Another factor is space and “clutter.” The space under my bathroom sink is full of all these bottles and containers. I’d love to get to a point where I only have the shampoo and condition I’m currently using, therefore stored in the shower. My space could breathe again, and I wouldn’t feel like my stuff is packed to the brim in all the nooks and crannies. You can imagine how this transfers over to my kitchen area and the pantry. Which is a great transition into my next area of thought....

At least they all look pretty.

I’m a doomsday planner. I seriously have backups to almost everything we are using. It’s as if I live 3 hours from the nearest store and only go there once a month. When in reality, I can get on PrimeNow and have groceries delivered in just a couple hours. Guys. I don’t even have to leave my house if I run out of something. But I have this crazy mindset that I need to have 2 of everything. JUST in case I end up needing it. It’s really bonkers.

So, I am taking steps to change my lifestyle. And I know this isn't directly related to no-buy January, but it’s still related. I’m working on something to share with all of you. Its tips and tricks and things to consider the next time you use your money to talk. For 2018, the word Intentional was my theme for the year. And while that was great, it was still a little vague. It’s hard to really track Intention over time. But this year, 2019 is going to be the year to reduce waste. I’ve been brainstorming and listening to podcasts, and have some great ideas that we can all try, and hopefully implement in our own lives. I’m super excited about this, and hope the excitement will gain traction with some, if not all of you!

But for now, I’m taking the month of January to buy less, and use up what I’ve got.

What's In My Closet?

I’ve never considered myself a fashionista. I never know what names go to specific colors. If it has any mix of blue and green, in any tone or depth, it’s teal. Forget the Tiffany Blue, mint, or aqua. I see teal. I’ve also never known what colors look good on me. Summer or fall based skin tone? I have no clue! I am drawn towards colors that others may discourage me from wearing. I don’t have a knack for knowing if something is flattering, nor have I taken the time to explore and see what sizes and styles may fit my body type the best. I’m 33 years old, creeping up on mid-30s, and recently felt the need to (finally) hone in my style. My MIL tried to mention capsule wardrobes to me in the past, but I never fully understood what they were, and surely wasn’t interested in paying attention to the details of it. Fashion and style just weren’t for me. Earlier this year however, as I’ve attempted to simplify my life in different areas, it occurred to me that maybe my closet could benefit from some sort of overhaul. I’d gone through my clothes in the past, but I had never assessed my closet as a whole. And finally, the thought of a capsule wardrobe started to make sense. Now I still have a long ways to go, but here’s what I know so far.

The scary before. I don't have a full after photo yet, as I'm waiting until I have all the clothes clean so you get the whole picture. 

A capsule wardrobe can be in several formats. You can have a year round capsule, which encompasses clothing for all seasons. You can have a capsule for the warm months and cold months, or broken down even smaller, to a capsule for each season. After checking out a few capsules from ClassyYetTrendy.com and Project333 from BeMoreWithLess.com, I decided to try a spring capsule. It is based off the French Minimalist Capsule from Classy Yet Trendy, with a few extras thrown in. And I did not worry about shoes, because, well, one step at a time. So like I do every year at the end of winter, I packed up all my cold season clothes. However this year I went a step further. I purchased a storage bin that fits under my bed, went through my closet and, based off the French Minimalist capsule, I started choosing what items I was going to keep our for spring, and everything else was going under the bed. I kept a lot of neutrals, along with some blues, a couple blushes, and stripes. So many stripes!

One of the main reasons I was finally drawn to a capsule wardrobe was the possibility of simplifying my morning routine. What I understand so far, is that each item you keep in your capsule should be able to be worn in at least three different ways. That way, no matter what you have clean, you’re guaranteed to have an outfit that will look polished and put together. It is so easy to buy an item that can only be worn with one other specific item. We really limit ourselves if we have a lot of these specialty items. Maybe you only wear it if in a certain mood. Maybe you can only wear one pair of pants with a unique shirt. When you’ve strategically placed items in your capsule wardrobe, they can be worn many different ways. Layered. Shirts with both skirts and pants. Colors that compliment each other and can be interchanged easily. There are some suggested methods to starting a capsule wardrobe (check here and here), but after you’re done, you end up with the pieces you love most, space in your closet for your clothes to breathe, and clothes that work well with each other, in many different ways. It takes a lot of frustration out of getting ready each day and feeling like you have a closet full of clothes, but nothing to actually wear.

Still has a little work, but my clothes can breathe now! Not to mention, these are my FAVES. 

My clothes used to be jammed in my closet pretty tight. And there were many pieces I was attached to for whatever reason, but didn’t actually like wearing. Some I didn’t wear because I wasn’t sure how I’d feel in it. And some I didn’t wear, simply because I had too many OTHER clothes in my closet that I’d choose to wear first. Now I have about 40 hangers in my closet. I don’t get overwhelmed when I go to choose my outfit for the day, because I get to pick from my favorites. And they all look pretty decent together, no matter how I wear them! I was a little nervous at first, but now that I’m over two weeks in, I am so glad I decided to try this! There’s a very high likelihood I’ll do it again for the summer months. I’ll keep many of the pieces I currently have out for spring, but tuck away some of the items meant for those cooler spring days, and pull out more tanks and short sleeve shirts, along with another dress or two. I love how my clothes aren’t jam-packed anymore. I like that I could pull out my nice wooden hangers again and scrap the plastic hangers (which I started using because they were smaller, and I was able to pack more clothes in my closet). And I love how easy it is to pull an outfit together now. If you’ve ever been on the fence about a closet makeover and/or a capsule wardrobe, I highly encourage you to try! Even a modified version to start. A foot in that direction is all it may take for you to get inspired and take action! Trust me, your closet will thank you. 

First Quarter Update

Like the last couple years, this January I thought about what word I wanted to use to set the tone for the year. And like prior years, intentional came to mind. However, unlike past years, where that thought stayed a thought and didn’t get put into motion, this year I wrote it down in my Commit30 planner. And in addition to writing it down, I’ve decided to make some goals and do my best to achieve those goals. Yes, having a goal minded planner has been a HUGE help in that venture. But I also decided that this year was the year things would finally be different. I’d become more organized. I’d become more strategic and, there it is, intentional with my time and energy. I’d focus on the things that help calm my soul rather than rile it up. I’d get back into reading, cut out extra sugar, buy less and live more. So, as I stand at the beginning of April, I am feeling pretty good this far.

As many of you know, my Commit30 goal for January was no personal spending. I nailed that, even when it came to buying coffee and lunch during the work week. It felt really good, and you know what else? I still bring my lunch almost every day, and bring coffee from home half the days. I think it really changed the way I think about that stuff. It was a fun challenge and very helpful because I tend to over-buy a lot. And even though I’ve done this a few times in the past, I felt like I learned a lot this time around. Even though I was buying less, I was gaining so much. Time saved from shopping all the online sales. Awareness that I really didn’t need everything I thought I did. Knowledge from some awesome podcasts regarding less and simplicity. Money in the bank because I wasn’t spending it. And finally, an overall sense of accomplishment when it was over and I had succeeded!

On a little side note, while I was busy not spending in January, I discovered podcasts. And wow, if this wasn’t the year I had really planned to be intentional, I think it would’ve happened anyway after all the experience, tips, and ideas I’ve discovered from the various podcasts I’ve been listening to since the beginning of the year. Most mornings on my way to work, I listen to a podcast. It is incredible how focused and motivated I feel afterward. It’s fun to hear others talk and encourage about topics I’m interested in, and that are relevant in my life. I feel inspired to tackle new tasks, and what’s even better, is that I’ve actually started taking steps to make things happen. If you haven’t ever done this, please go check out the Podcast app that comes on your iPhone. I don’t know about other phones, but iPhones come with an app for them, and it is amazing.

February was all about reading (an actual bound book) for 15 minutes a day. Sadly I only finished with about a 70% success rate, but I read more in February than I have in a long time. And that felt really good. I’m even considering doing it again later this year, partly because I want to have a higher success rate, and partly because I really enjoy reading and it was nice making time for that most days.

Enter March... boy. That was the most difficult challenge yet. I decided I wouldn’t eat extra sugar for the month. I’m didn’t even go as far as worrying about sugar in condiments, sides, etc, but only counting legit sugar items like cookies, candy, donuts, and coffee syrup. And wow, is that stuff ever addicting. The worst was right after lunch when I wanted something sweet. I can’t tell you how many times I would subconsciously go to get something sweet. It’s FAR more often than I’d care to admit. And the fact that I don’t want to do this challenge ever again proves that I probably should! I went into March thinking it would be hard for a week and would then taper off, but that last week I was literally counting down the days until the challenge was over.

My March Commit30 ended JUST in time for Easter. 

But I’m going full circle here, so hang with me. I just finished my third challenge, with nine more to go this year. And they have been difficult at times, and definitely test my strength and self control. But I like that it pushes me. I like that I’ve been more thoughtful and intentional about my life and my time. I’m not just going through the same old motions another year. I’m trying to create new ways of doing things in my life that will have a better impact on my future. I’m trying to streamline tasks and simplify my life so that I have more time for the things that matter and less time spent on cleaning, buying, organizing, etc. I started my very first capsule wardrobe on April 1st, which I’ll touch on more on a later post. But now even picking out an outfit for the day has become more streamlined and simple. And I don’t feel the need to constantly buy clothes, because I have what I “need.”

This month I’m committing to journaling. Even if I only write for 5 minutes, I want to spend a little time articulating my thoughts. I often have a lot of ideas in my head, and while some get written down, they don’t always, and I want to capture the things I’m thinking about, the plans I have, and what is going on in my daily life. Hopefully it will help me blog more, which I also love to do.

I’d love to hear what goals and plans you had at the start of the year, and also how are those going for you. Are you finding success or struggling through? I’ve never had such a plan at the start of a new year, so this is all new territory for me.

A Committed January

For the second year in a row now, I have done a no-buy January. I can’t quite remember why it stemmed into being last year, but I’m sure it had to do with the gluttony of spending we did in November and December, on top of having a new baby (+ hospital bills) and a small kitchen remodel. Once Christmas came and went, my wallet was begging for a break! So I started a self-imposed “No-Buy” for the month. The first 7-10 days were rough. I was seeing sales everywhere and totally had the itch to “click to purchase.” But once the first 10 days went by, it got a lot easier. And soon I started seeing my money go to our savings account, rather than to pay off purchases. Yes I still bought groceries. And in 2017 I would occasionally still buy lunch at work, and coffee in the morning. But no personal spending or shopping. 

I felt so inspired and happy with the results, I actually did it again in a summer month of 2017. This fall, we removed all the carpet from our house and installed hardwood. Even though Matt (with a little help from his dad) completed the install, it was still a big expense. We also took a vacation in the fall, so wallets were hurting. When I got my Commit30 planner for my birthday, I knew I had to do another no-buy for my first month in 2018. Over the course of last year, and especially during that week between Christmas and New Year’s, I went through my emails and unsubscribed from SO many. Some stores were sending emails once a day, and if I didn’t see the sales, I knew I wouldn’t be so tempted. So far it’s been a little easier this time than the last two. However, I added an extra layer this time. No personal spending, including coffee and lunches while at work. Now THAT has been my biggest challenge this first week. We have a perfectly good espresso machine at home but I buy coffee almost every day that I go to work (#lovemymonorailgirls). I also typically buy lunch once or twice a week. While they seem like small purchases, those all add up and it is still one more thing I’m spending money on. So, the 2018 no-buy packs a little more punch.

It’s amazing what a small goal like this can do to change your thinking. One of the side benefits from a challenge like this, is that I really get a chance to use what I have. I tend to buy backups for things when I’m not even close to needing it. Face wash half empty? Time to restock. Shampoo half empty? Time for the backup. Had my socks for a while? Get a new pack from Costco, just in case mine start wearing thin. I don’t even want to talk about the dooms-day supply of food in the garage. What this thought process has led to, is a lot of extra stuff. And in my life that I’m trying to simplify, extra stuff isn’t conducive. We all know that if you run out of something, Amazon can get it to you in two days max, not to mention I’m within 1.5 miles of two stores that I pass every day on my way home from work. So there’s no need to have extra and extra and extra. When I’m not using homemade body butter, I have a big jug of lotion that I use. It only has about 1/4 left. I’m pretty sure it will last me the rest of the month, and even if it doesn’t, I have two smaller lotions under my sink. But seeing it so low and not buying another one is a big struggle for me! In the back of my mind, I almost hope it does run out, so I can see that the world won’t end if I don’t have a backup.

I like to present little challenges like this to myself. It isn’t long term, so I know it will end eventually, no matter how hard. But it’s fun to see how I react, and what things I notice and learn along the way. I know that I’ll do another no-buy this year because I’ve had so much success with it, and it helps me focus my thoughts and spending habits. In a world that is so consumer driven, I like to stop and take a step back from all that every once in a while. Adding some extra savings to the bank doesn’t hurt either!

What's With That Radiant Pink Pout

Some of you may have been wondering... why is she obsessed with this LipSense stuff. She's posting about it, going live about it, and the selfies... what's with all the selfies?? Well I'm here to give you some insight. I enjoy wearing lipstick. And about a year ago I saw someone post about LipSense. Color that was smudge-proof, kiss-proof, and supposedly lasts for hours. I went looking at colors online and found a few I liked. Made a little note in my phone and went on my way. Months later a friend was hosting a party with LipSense. My entire family (me included) was very sick at the time, and I was also doing a no-buy January (basically no extra "fun" purchases). So I wasn't able to attend. But I still occasionally looked at colors, narrowed down my list, and had it on the back of my mind. Fast forward to July, and I finally had had enough of the waiting game. I was ready to pull the trigger and messaged my friend so I could get in touch with her distributor. We met at a Starbucks one evening exactly five weeks ago, and I tried a bunch of colors on my hand. Going into it, I told myself I was only going to buy one. But once I got there and saw how amazing the colors were, I ended up leaving with four! Not my finest moment, but I don't regret it. I started wearing it the very next day, and was so impressed. The color held up so well, and I just applied the gloss a few times throughout the day since I'm used to having chapstick on my lips. Within a week I had signed up to be a distributor. I couldn't wait to start sharing a product I was so excited about.  

My first tests of LipSense

I love to wear makeup. And the last couple years I've been buying more fun shades of lip color. Bold reds, bright corals, deep wines. But I would put it on and I swear, after drinking my coffee each morning it would be uneven, half worn-off and just didn't look good. Some mornings I'd plan to wait until after I finished my coffee and breakfast to apply lipstick, but most of those days, things would get busy and I wouldn't ever get around to it. So my lip game was never very strong. Now I'm kicking myself for not checking out LipSense sooner. I bought quite a few lipsticks in that year of "waiting and wondering" about it. Basically dollars down the drain because I don't think I will ever go back to anything that isn't LipSense. It's great for everyday natural lips. It's great for bold lips. It's great if you enjoy wearing lip color and plan to eat a bite of food or drink even an ounce of coffee or water (or wine, let's be honest). Yes it's a unique application process. Yes it may take a couple times to get used to. But I have seriously loved discovering such a fun product, and I've had even more fun sharing it with girls who've never heard of it before! So many people say, "Lip What?" when I tell them about it. And there's so much more than just lip color! There's eye lash serums, and blushes, and eye shadows that have SUCH rich color. I just ordered my first two eye shadows last week and the colors, even though they are light and neutral, are so saturated. And you barely have to use any. I plan to make a video in the coming weeks, once I get a couple more colors. I seriously think one tube will go so far based on how little color has to be used.  

Lips: Pink Champagne | Eyes: Candlelight and Sandstone Pearl

And honestly I'm just having so much fun! I want everyone to have a chance to try it. Sometime later this fall I'll be hosting a brunch party and would love to send you an invite if you're interested. Can't wait for the party? I'll come meet you somewhere so you can test it out. Maybe you've tried it and already love it and want to host your own party. Basically I just want to help get this amazing product in people's hands. Maybe it isn't for you. But I feel like I waited so long and am kicking myself now. And maybe you're curious and want to see for yourself. Please message me. I love to chat. If I haven't talked with you in years, still message me. I love to catch up too!  Trust me, your lips will thank you. 💋

Kiss For a Cause

Journey of a Milk Maid

So, after all the aches and literal pains of the first few weeks of breastfeeding Blake, I felt like we had it down. Yes, she had issues with the dairy I ate, so I cut that from my diet for months 2-7 of her first year. We supplemented with formula occasionally, mainly out of convenience for some night feedings and if we were out and about. I pumped diligently twice a day at work. People started to ask me how long I planned to continue, and honestly, at the time, I hadn't really thought about it. I didn't really have an end date in my mind, and things were working just fine. Especially at night I could easily feed her, whether she was nursing for food or nursing for comfort. When I found out I was pregnant again, Blake was 10.5 months old. I spoke with my midwives, asking if it was ok to continue breastfeeding while pregnant, and they said yes! They even mentioned tandem nursing, which I didn't dismiss because, who knows?! It wasn't long after I took a positive test, that my milk decreased dramatically. I'm talking 50% decrease, within a couple weeks. Simultaneously, Blake started to wean herself. Could've been because I had less milk, it was starting to taste different because I was pregnant, or maybe she was just busy and didn't have the patience for it. Either way, she was done by the time she was a year old, if not a little before.

Baby milk coma

Fast forward to Sloane. I did not experience any nursing aches and pains after she was born. Yes I dealt with engorgement a few times while my milk was regulating, but nothing over the top. My body had done this just months earlier, so I was grateful for the muscle memory of that. Knowing I wasn't going to be pregnant again during her first year (or likely any year thereafter), I put even less thought into when it would end. I know a few friends who have let it linger for quite some time with their 'baby.' And because I don't see any issue with that, I just sort of assumed Sloane would breastfeed for a long time. But, much to my dismay, it would appear she has other plans. It doesn't help that she's popped out two teeth a month for the last four months. This poor girl has been teething constantly. She also LOVES to eat. She's adventurous and there isn't much she doesn't like. So since my mom feeds her bottles during the day while I'm at work, she is well versed in the fast, easy flow of a bottle. About a week ago, she started biting me. Now Blake tried that once or twice, and after I yelped in pain, she got totally spooked and never did it again. Sloane on the other hand started biting, and hasn't really stopped. I've gotten her to nurse two or three times in the last seven days, and it's usually after she's almost conked out from a bottle right before bed. And I can't tell if my milk has decreased because I'm relying solely on pumping now, or if it was already decreasing, she noticed before I did, and got tired of not getting enough. But she was right about 10.5 months old when all this started, and now I can't help but wonder if it's something my body does at this stage postpartum. Because while I thought it was related to pregnancy last time, maybe it isn't. Either way, a little part of my heart is breaking inside. Yes, I've been either pregnant or breastfeeding for over three years. Yes, pumping is a drag. Yes, nursing bras aren't pretty. AT ALL. But it means my baby is one step closer to not being my baby anymore. And I'm just not ready for that. I thought we'd have more time, and honestly now I'm secretly hoping this is just a phase because of her latest tooth, and we will go back to the old way in a couple days. I try every once in a while, but have to face the fact that this might be the beginning of the end of my breastfeeding journey. I'm so grateful to have been able to feed my babies for the majority of their first year of life. It's a bond I'll always treasure.

Monday Musings

2 Timothy 1:7 (NKJV)

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Last month, my aunt suffered two massive heart attacks and has been in the hospital/rehab ever since. She called 911 before the first one actually happened, and collapsed during her call with them. When paramedics arrived, her heart had stopped. They had to use the AED to get it going again, and then she had the second heart attack after arriving to the hospital. I knew something was wrong that morning on my way to work, because I saw an incoming call from my mom, and she never calls that early. I answered and she said, I have some bad news.

Our family has rallied since. We have a really strong support system, and even though half are miles away, we text often and it is especially comforting during times of trouble. I am so grateful for each of them, and I know we are all praying for Sandy, her doctors, each other, and trusting that God has His hand on the entire process.

Now I don't know about you, but during certain situations, my imagination and thoughts can get the best of me. Sometimes it's when I get run down and sleepy. Sometimes it's when stressful events are happening in my life. Sometimes it's when I'm so busy and don't have any calm and quiet. During these times of heightened stimulus I tend to let my mind wander, and it's never to good places. Usually triggered by something I see on Instagram (or sometimes the news), I'll go down a rabbit hole of sadness. I have so much empathy for the people I read about, it's almost like I take on their burdens. I can get too emotionally involved reading their stories, and then I can't help but to imagine the scenarios in my own life... and I get consumed with this darkness. It isn't even my reality, but somehow I've taken on these situations I read about, and try to carry the weight.

Now, I think everyone should have some level of empathy. I think it makes you a more rounded person and able to see the other side of the coin. However, when it starts to consume you, it becomes unhealthy. I think I've struggled with this for years, but it has been increasingly apparent now that I have kids. The what ifs, the unknowns, the darkness that hides in the shadows of my mind. Sometimes it is really hard to overcome. And I don't necessarily consider myself a 'religious' person to some standards. But I believe in God and that He has a plan. I may not always understand the plan, or like it, but I believe His hand is orchestrating the things of life, and when I get deep into the darkness, I try and remind myself of this. I don't have to live by fear. I don't have to let the unknowns of the world weigh down on me. Each day I have is a new chance to live to the fullest, and I sometimes have to remind myself, we were not made to live in fear. We don't find freedom in fear. So here's to a new day. Here's to finding the peace that surpasses all understanding. Here's to living life to the fullest and not taking a moment for granted. Here's to life, and peace, and as cheesy as it sounds, here's to love. 

Intentional

At the start of 2017, I'd heard some people mention that they pick a theme or a word for the year. I think it's sort of a way to set the tone for what you believe will happen in your life throughout the year. Something about that has stuck with me the last few months, and more and more I keep coming back to the word that seems to have chosen me.

Intentional.

A quick Google search brings up the actual definition (according to the Oxford dictionary) as "done on purpose; deliberate."

Sounds like a good choice when thinking about how I want my year to go. Back when I was in school, we'd write many papers, most of which had a thesis. The entire paper would be based on supporting that thesis and arguing for it. I sort of view this in the same way. I choose "Intentional" for the year, and use my time, energy and actions to back that up. At the end of the year, I should be able to look back and see how those things pointed toward my thesis.

Now, more than ever, I have to be deliberate with my time. We have a house, two young kids, jobs, side businesses, not to mention anything that goes above and beyond the everyday norm. Needless to say, there isn't much spare time. And the more I think about it, the more I realize silly things take up my time. Checking emails constantly, afraid I won't see one come in right away. Scrolling, liking, worrying; sometimes about arguments I read online that don't even involve me. So, one intentional decision I made recently, was to delete the Facebook app from my phone. You'd be shocked (or maybe you wouldn't be), how many times I've caught myself aimlessly swiping to the last page on my phone, heading to open the app - which isn't there anymore. I love staying connected. I may even get it back someday. But for now I decided I'm only going to keep Instagram. It's a different kind of community. One that's full of the things I am drawn to, still includes family and friends, and let's get real, I'm not ready to go cold turkey and cut out all social media! I'm hoping to spend some of my newly freed up time playing with my kids. Prepping healthy food. Doing watercolors. Reading. Writing. Taking more photos. Or maybe just relaxing, having removed a piece that sometimes causes legit stress. Because honestly, the news headlines as of late cause my blood pressure to rise enough as is.

It's fun to actually write this down. Even more fun to share it with someone. It excites me to think about how the second half of 2017 might be different than the first half (other then getting to go to Maui!!!). If you've done something similar in the past (or are doing currently) I would love to hear your insight! It's fun to share and learn another person's perspective. 

Babies on the Brain. My Brain Specifically.

It would be a lie if I said I didn't think about baby #3. We've only ever planned on two. If a third joined our family it would likely be due to adoption, as that is something that has pressed on Matt's heart. Or, if we win the lottery he says we'd consider trying for a third. But honestly, as time goes by, I feel more and more ok with either of those scenarios happening, if it brought a third little one into our lives. In fact, just the other day I saw a pregnant mother shopping with her husband, and I honestly felt a pang of something that felt like envy. And it wasn't just because her husband was shopping with her at Target! It was the growing belly I could see under her coat. As some of you may know, I've never been a baby person. Heck, I've never even been a "kids" person. But after having two babies, I can see how some women (or families) get pulled into having more. And those are words I never thought I'd utter!

Maybe it's hormones. Maybe it's because Sloane is our last baby. Maybe it's because Blake was still so young and I didn't get to baby Sloane as much because I was so busy still carefully watching over Blake. Maybe it's because I'm afraid of our kids growing up too fast, and if we have another baby I can extend the growing up phase, at least a little. Even if the oldest is getting older, I could relish in a new baby and the journey laid out before that little one. Maybe I'm afraid of my kids becoming more independent and not needing me as much.

As with each stage, the future is somewhat unknown. I only know being a parent to babies and toddlers. What is it like when they are going to be 5 and 3? 8 and 6? 13 and 11? Aside from the occasionally tantrums, meltdowns, and NOs, Blake is at the best age. But just yesterday she said something in her broken toddler language that sort of broke my heart.

"I do it myself."

And so it begins. The age of independence. My mom tells me I was the same way, wanting to do everything by myself. But whhhaaattt?? Not my baby. I'm not ready. I know she will need me on different levels for years and years to come. But how she needs me is going to look different, during each phase of her life. I can only wrap my head around being her mom the way we are today. Where she needs me for almost everything. Where I can still swoop her up and wrap my arms around her tiny frame. A little part of me cringes thinking about the day I won't be able to do that anymore.

So I get it. I get why someone, anyone really, would want to keep having babies. There is something so special about young ones. Their excitement. Their innocence. The way they absorb EVERYTHING around them like little sponges. I get it, because I'm right in the middle of all that. Loving the growth I see in each of my daughters, but wanting so desperately to keep them little and not see them grow up too fast. These moments are so fleeting. Everyone tells me, you'll blink, and they'll be starting high school. Driving a car. Heading to college. I hope I'm doing everything I can to take it all in, making memories and savoring the joy from these sweet little souls.

New Year, New You

I've never been big on New Year resolutions. If I've ever had one before it must've been quite lackluster because I can't seem to recall a single one. That being said, I'm not opposed to the idea of them. I like a little reason and motivation to try something new. This year, one bandwagon I almost jumped on was the Whole30 challenge. And after some consideration, I decided the time isn't quite right for me. I'm still exclusively breastfeeding and worried about a drop in supply. At some point when we are already supplementing I'd be more apt to consider it, but I didn't want to jump in with that risk. That being said, my diet has PLENTY of room for improvement. For the last few years I've tried to be conscious of what I put in my body. Fast forward to today, and life is busy. It's hard with two kids under two. First priority - make sure the babies have food. Next falls the husband, dog and me, in no particular order. I will easily grab cookies, chocolate, cereal, etc, when I'm hungry and don't have much time to prepare anything. After taking a look at the concept behind the Whole30, I still felt inspired to take away something from that. So... baby steps here, I am cutting out extra sugar. For one week. That doesn't include things like flavor for my coffee (although I'm limiting that to some degree), or sugar from fruits, or sugar in things like spaghetti sauce or dressings. What it does include, is plain old sugar treats. Chocolate bars, ice cream, chocolate covered pretzels, cookies. I find myself going for those things way too often, and need to scale back. I've gotten through three days so far. It's hardest in the evenings, after dinner when I want a little snack. But the good news is that I'm going to have healthy snacks prepared this week, so I can go for those instead of the sugar snacks. And what I'm really hoping, is that once my week is up, I will add another week on. And then after that, another week. All the while, modifying it to get to a place where I'm not taking in so much extra sugar each day, and in addition to sugar, limiting my carb intake as well. I want to focus on eating more protein and veggies, which will actually provide substance for me, rather than empty calories from sugar treats. So, I'll make snacks like hard boiled eggs, veggies with hummus, hearty salads with protein and lots of veggies, peanut butter toast, and add in a serving or two of fruit as well. I'd like it to become a lifestyle change, and not just a resolution fad.

Snack prep for the win.

The other thing I'm doing this month, is no-buy January. What this doesn't include is Costco, groceries, diapers, etc. What it does include is online shopping, trinkets, and such. We don't ever really go overboard on Christmas gifting, but it's still extra money spent. We also are just wrapping up a kitchen remodel, and felt like it was a good time to halt the spending. Honestly, coming down from the flurry of Christmas shopping was tough. I love gift giving, maybe even more than buying for myself. I had gotten in the habit of visiting certain sites (...cough, Nordstrom, cough...) almost daily, just browsing to see if something caught my eye. So the first week was a challenge, which I hate to admit. But then the second week was much easier. There's a thing or two I may consider getting once the month is over, and I need to replace some of my makeup that is almost out, but I hope to do another no-buy month. Now that I'm finding my groove, and realizing I really don't need the things I think I do, it's a fun challenge and I love to watch money grow. I see it more as a challenge I want to win, rather than something holding me down.

Overall, they aren't grand, impressive plans. But they are things I seriously considered and decided to implement. What I'm hoping for, is a lifestyle change. For me, it seems best to work my way in to something new. I don't want to set expectations so high that they aren't attainable, therefore getting discouraged and quitting. I'm hoping that this way, with my current plans, I'll be successful and encouraged to keep going. Life is all about growing and learning and growing some more.

Just Say Yes

For anyone who hasn't had children, they may see a 12 week maternity leave as some sort of vacation. Sadly there are many in this country who don't even get that much time, but I am fortunate to have gotten 12 weeks with both girls, and that is another topic for another day. Back to the point. Twelve weeks away from your place of work may seem like a nice time. A 'vacation' is pushing it, but I'm guessing it sounds like a pretty good time. When I was first home with Blake, it took many weeks until I felt settled. I think part of the reason was because she cried a lot the first few months. Sleep was VERY hard to come by, but I could rest during her naps if I needed to. The days sometimes seemed very long and lonely, even though I wasn't ever alone, and I would count down the hours until Matt got home.

I was looking forward to returning to work in some ways, because it would be a chance to get out of the house, put on my big girl clothes and heels again, and have adult conversations. At that point I don't think I was quite used to being a parent either. The role was still new and I was still figuring out how to be a mother and lacked confidence in my ability to some degree. 

Fast forward to today.

I have just over two weeks left of my maternity leave with Sloane. I won't lie. We had a rocky start after Matt went back to work. My parents had planned a month long trip so I knew once he went back, my mom would also be gone and it would really just be me and the girls. By the end of the second week of being home alone with them, I was convinced I was in WAY over my head. WAY over. That Friday, I was trying to get Blake some lunch and both girls were screaming. I felt like they had decided earlier that week to team up on me, and I almost had a breaking point that afternoon. There had been too many times where I couldn't even hear myself think over the cries, and I'm honestly not sure how I got through. I was seriously considering a call to my midwives to discuss PPD after that day. But it was the weekend, and we had plans to head out of town for the first time with two. We had a good time with family that weekend, and by the time Monday rolled around I had basically forgotten how bad I felt that Friday.

I'm not sure what happened, but when that next week started, some of the despair I had been feeling had lifted. Maybe I was starting to accept the fact that I now have two children, or maybe we started getting accustomed to our life has a family of four. Maybe we started to find some structure to our days, or because I made a point to try and get out of the house at least a few times a week, even if just for a walk around the neighborhood. Whatever was happening, things started getting better. I started chatting with my neighbor more, and we started to plan walks with the kids and dogs on nice days. Soon my mom was going to return and I knew having her back would also lift everyone up. Without realizing it at first, I stopped counting down the hours and minutes until Matt would come home. It was as if we found our groove and most days even started feeling fun! And then I realized I had already blown through over half of my maternity leave. Just like that, I was closer to returning to work than not, and the anxiousness started to creep in. 

I read a blog post a couple years ago. I even shared it on my Facebook page because it impacted me so much. Basically, a mom decides that for one day, she's going to say yes to her kids. Obviously it's within reason, they set some ground rules and they can't do unsafe things, but she wants to just say yes to things, when normally it may be easier or more convenient to say no or postpone something. She learns a lot about herself and her kids from the experiment, which ended up being a really positive experience (you can read it here). I recently started thinking about this lately, because as much as we've found our groove, I've still noticed the word NO pops up in my vocabulary quite often these days. I understand that Blake is young, and learning and testing her limits. But I also know that she loves to learn and try new things. That little girl thrives on excitement and experience. I don't want to deprive her (or myself) by saying "No," or "We'll do that later." So while we may not have one specific day a year to "say yes," my goal for the future is to say yes more. I really want to make the best of the next two weeks that I have home with my girls, and for this concept to stick around even beyond maternity leave. I want to help Blake continue to blossom and grow. It may be as simple as examining rocks in the front yard. Or playing with water in the sink. Maybe a fort in the living room, or feeding her piggy bank. I don't want her to see me as the mom who always says no, but as the mom who fosters learning and growth. I know it won't always be feasible, but when it is, I want to be ready to say yes. 

Two Months

For exactly two months we have been a family of four. There have been many wonderfully glorious moments, and also a few very trying times thrown in the mix every now and then. But I wouldn't trade it for the world. I love both of those little girls so much.

I'll start back at the beginning. My last post was about the upcoming birth of Sloane. My due date came and went, and while I knew in my brain that that date is just a number, it was hard to wrap my head around the fact that this baby was going to be late. How late? Well, that was a good question! Blake came two days early, so all of a sudden I was in unfamiliar territory. Even though I didn't want to go that long, I was very glad that my midwives let you go two weeks past, as long as your stress tests come back ok at 41 weeks. I really wanted to go into labor naturally and the opportunity to go to 42 weeks, if needed, was great. I went to bed on 8/31, half expecting to wake up in the night with my water breaking, but it didn't. I had been working from home that week, and by about 10am on Thursday 9/1, I started noticing that my Braxton Hicks contractions were becoming a little more regular. I had Braxton Hicks with Blake, and started getting them around the third trimester with Sloane. So having them was nothing new, but the consistency of them seemed to be picking up a bit, along with the intensity. I kept timing them every few hours, but it was never enough where I felt I needed to call the midwives.

By Friday, I started working in the morning, but it wasn't long before I was way too distracted to continue doing anything. I wasn't uncomfortable to an extreme level, but I was surely noticing the contractions more than not. That evening we decided to take Blake to the in-laws. I was fairly certain that this baby was coming soon, and they were so looking forward to having her that we just decided to take her. That night, I could not get to sleep. Sloane was kicking and moving around so much I didn't even want to lay down, so I went downstairs to get a change of scenery. I was timing contractions, and they seemed to be pretty intense, more than I'd experienced yet, and I started getting panicky. I needed to get to the hospital to have antibiotics administered, and they wanted them in my system for four hours before the baby came. So I was having this constant dilemma about wanting to get to the hospital in time for that, but not so early that we spend unnecessary time sitting around, when I could be in the comfort of my own home with distractions there. It was about midnight and I went back upstairs and woke up Matt. He suggested I try and lay down, to which I responded with a very colorful answer that I won't repeat here. The tears started streaming and I was honestly getting pretty anxious, partially because I wasn't sure if it was time, but also because I knew if it wasn't, it was close. Our lives were about to change and my nerves were on overdrive.

We chatted a bit more while I sat on the medicine ball, and within an hour, things had calmed down. I was breathing normally again with a much clearer head. We had turned on the TV, and I remember falling asleep to Seinfeld.

We woke up Saturday and I was still having contractions. Since we didn't have Blake at home, we both were just puttering around that morning. We made breakfast and while Matt was working on a drone project, I packaged up some soap to ship out. My mother-in-law called around noon, and while I was talking to her she asked how I was feeling and if I was still having contractions. I said yes, and that I'd had about three since we'd been talking. She pointed out that it had only been about 10 minutes and that I may want to consider going to the hospital soon. I had called my midwife earlier that morning because I had a pretty good feeling we'd be having a baby that weekend, and she let me know she would be at the hospital all day so I could come whenever, even if I just wanted to be checked for dilation. I finished chatting with my MIL and started to wash our dishes from breakfast. All of a sudden, it occurred to me that I'd only washed two cups, but I'd had to stop twice to get through contractions. I continued to wash, and all of a sudden I found myself leaning onto the edge of the sink for counter pressure during the next contraction. I barely made it through the last few items, so as soon as I was done I yelled to Matt that I thought it was time to wrap things up at home. Funny enough, I told Matt I wanted him to vacuum the house before we left, because I didn't want to come home to dirty floors. So while he was doing that, I slowly made my way upstairs to grab the last minute items for my hospital bag. By this time it felt like my contractions were on top of each other and I had to stop often. We finally got everything in order, and while it likely only took 10-15 minutes, it felt much longer than that. We got in the car and headed to the hospital. We didn't talk much, but I remember Matt saying maybe it was a false alarm and they'd be sending us home. I think I responded that I was afraid we may not even make it to the hospital!

I distinctly remember looking at the clock when we pulled around to the labor and delivery entrance. It was 2:20pm. We had to wait in the lobby for a few minutes before our nurse, Erin, came out to meet us. I swear we were in the furthest room away and I had to stop so many times to get through contractions. But, we finally made it to our room. The day was so different than when Blake was born. The light was shining bright through the windows as it was only mid-afternoon, we didn't have any family at the hospital waiting, my water hadn't broken, and the contractions were coming hard and fast. I can't remember what came first, the antibiotics or the cervical check, but the nurses had a hell of a time getting the IV in my arm. My body was pretty tense and they had to do all sorts of things to finally get it. Our amazing midwife Kim came in right as we were getting settled. When she checked me, I was sure I'd only be 5cm, and I felt like that was a generous guess. But, I was already dilated to a 6!! With Blake, things progressed very quickly from 6 to 10cm. About an hour after we arrived, Matt left to bring in our bags and park the car. At that point he texted our families with the update, that we had gone to the hospital and I was dilated to a 6. He got back to our room and I had been mostly standing/leaning this entire time, and someone asked if I wanted to lay down on my side for a bit. I did, and no sooner had I gotten on the hospital bed did I have another contraction. And this one has changed completely. Getting on my side must have shifted Sloane, because all of a sudden my body started pushing with this contraction. The next one was the same way, and I was fighting it, because I wasn't sure if I had dilated. Our midwife had just left to check on other patients, so our nurse ran to get her back. She checked me again, and I was basically fully dilated at this point. I should have remembered that this exact same position is what got me fully dilated with Blake, so I should have expected it! 

She's here!

I remember things started moving very quickly at this point. I was in shock that it had happened so fast, and I kept asking Kim, are you sure this is ok? It's really time to push? Yes, she answered. It's time! It took a couple minutes for me to regain composure and focus, but I was able to with the help of her and Matt. I felt like I had my eyes closed a lot, and at one point I opened them and saw about 8 people in the room. Within minutes, maybe 12ish, a baby was born at 4:18pm, almost exactly two hours after we had arrived! It was so insane how fast things happened. We were all sort of in shock, but Sloane had arrived, perfect as can be! Soon after, Matt texted the family again with the good news, and it was funny to see the reactions! Based on my delivery with Blake, everyone was expecting it to take a while. But Sloane had other plans, so needless to say they were shocked that the very next text he sent, had news of her arrival! It was a wonderful afternoon, and both sets of parents got to come by and meet her. Since it was only mid-afternoon, we had so much time to enjoy her and relax before night crept in. Blake was very excited to meet her new sister, and I can't tell you how many tears I shed, seeing my little family complete. We had instantly transitioned from a family of three, to a family of four. I remember being so excited and so scared at the same time. 

Perfect Sloane | 7.8lbs + 21"

It was interesting to be a mom already when baby number two arrived, because the love I felt for Sloane was so different right from the beginning. With Blake, it was new and somewhat strange, and while I knew I loved her so so much, I had never loved like that before and some days it was a lot to process. And it grew and changed so much over the months. Once Sloane arrived, I already knew how much a heart will grow, and could immediately begin to anticipate the depth of love we'd have for her. So that was interesting to experience, even now, two months in.

Like I mentioned in the beginning, we do have challenges. However, they are becoming fewer and farther between. We are finding our groove, and figuring out what works and doesn't work. It's been a fun journey.  

Both kids had had enough of our first family photos!

Labor Pains

Disclaimer: I started the below post about a month ago. It took a while to complete and now I'm just days away from my due date, which I am constantly reminding myself is just a date. Doesn't mean your baby will be here by then. Given the fact that Blake was a couple days early, I kept thinking it would be the same with this one. However, that is not necessarily the case.

 (Sometime in early August)

With just under four weeks to go, many things are starting to run through my mind. The fact that we only have a few short weeks left of being a family of 3. The growing excitement to meet this new little member. How big will she be? What will she look like? What will her cry sound like? Wondering how we will adapt to the new addition and change. Wondering how Blake will adjust to all the newness. The birth plan. Oh man, the birth plan. Will we have her room ready in time? Will she come early or slow play her arrival? Having had a baby just 18 months ago, I can remember getting closer to the due date and again, many thoughts ran through my mind. I was curious and scared of going into labor. My plan was to attempt an unmedicated birth if at all possible, but the thought of unknown contractions was all very intimidating. Somehow, by the grace of God, I was able to literally push through without the epidural. After pushing for almost 4 hours I ended up with a little pitocin to give my contractions more power. With the help from that, and the rising risk of a c-section, I managed to find what little strength I had left and bring Blake earth-side.

I remember the pain of contractions really hurt. I remember at one point telling my midwife I couldn't do another three hours of it, but I was only 6cm. She helped me decide to try one more position on my side, and asked if I could get through three contractions like that. After I got the hang of it, I was able to go about 30 minutes, at which point she checked me again and I was 9.5cm! What a relief! To be able to start pushing took so much of the pain away. It still wasn't a walk in the park by any means, but I was able to push back against the pain and intensity, and that made a world of a difference. Afterward, once you're holding your baby in your arms, you sort of forget about all that you just endured. It doesn't seem so bad, and since then, I've always just planned to try and do the same thing again once the time came.

However. Now that the delivery of baby #2 will soon be upon us, fear and doubt are creeping in. What if the pain is worse than I remember? What if my water breaks at work? What if it takes longer? What if, what if, what if? I pray almost daily for peace and the health and safety of both of us through the whole process. One thing I've learned about birth, is that you can't plan or guarantee for one specific thing to happen. Sometimes those plans go out the window and I am so hoping the process is as smooth and as easy as can be. But in the back of my mind, I'm trying to prepare myself for the what ifs that may come our way. And I know I've mentioned "we" and "our" a lot... This was not an accident. Yes, I'm the one carrying the baby. Yes, I'm the one birthing the baby. But Matt was by my side the entire time with Blake, and I know he will do the same again with this baby. I couldn't have done it without his support, and I am so grateful for his encouragement. We were both so new to this whole journey, but he took each step in stride and I felt more confident going forward knowing he had my back. It truly has been, and will continue being, a journey of us. And in a few short weeks, what we know of us will change once more. Some days it may be a bit more challenging. Some days it may be more tiring. But most days it will be so rewarding and fulfilling. Our family is growing and I'm so excited to see how it unfolds.